December 16 = Uneasy Day

I can't believe I didn't blog about this a couple of weeks ago- maybe I did and I'm just missing it but I took Liam to the doctor a few weeks back because he had had a cough for a while and even though he didn't have any other symptoms I just wanted to get him checked out.  Well, he proceeded to have a melt down.  For the whole appointment.  He was opening and closing the door to the exam room and I let him do it for a while but at a certain point I decided he had done it enough and it was time to leave the door closed.  Well, he didn't appreciate my assessment so he had a fit.  Enter the moment in parenting where you wish you could take back the decision you just made because it's totally not worth it but there's no turning back now.  So he screamed and he screamed and he screamed.  And the doctor eventually came in- Liam's regular doctor, Dr. Modi, doesn't work on Wednesdays so we saw someone else- and had this look on his face like "party's over, I'm here now and he'll listen to me for sure."  Well Liam didn't listen to him either and continued to scream.  I had put in my message requesting an appointment that I wanted to talk about the cough but also some behavioral issues.  Liam just decided to help me out and showcase the behavior issues I was talking about!  The doctor made sure his lungs were fine and said the cough should go away soon and that he'd talk with Dr. Modi, and they'd find me help.  I was relieved and hopeful but that didn't take away from the fact that I had to transport a screaming three year old through the clinic, down an elevator, through the pharmacy and out the door.  I calmly got him outside ignoring all of the glares I was getting, got him in the car, buckled him in got in the front seat and bawled my eyes out.  It was exhausting.  And frustrating.  I don't care that people were staring at me; I'm not embarrassed that I have a three year old who had a tantrum- it happens to everyone.  But just trying to speak over his screams to the doctor and just worrying about Liam's future- I know that his frustration stems from him not being able to express himself and who knows how long that's going to be a problem for him.  So I cried and cried.  And drove home and waited for a call.  He didn't call the next day like he promised.  Or the next.  I surely wasn't expecting a call over the weekend so I sent an email to Liam's education coordinator through the Child Find program to see if she was aware of any resources.  I heard back from her immediately- she recommended the BEST (Behavioral/Emotional Support & Training) program.  So I called the contact she had and talked for a while and this program seemed like a great fit.  There's a waiting list and lots of paperwork to fill out although I think I could fill out the paperwork in my sleep.  But as I was filling out the paperwork, I realized that perhaps the caregivers at the CDC might be able to give some insight that I was able to.  While I don't witness him interacting with other kids, maybe they do.  And maybe he's more cooperative with them and maybe he follows their directions.  So I wrote an email and found out who was best to send it to.  I heard back from them today and it was not what I was hoping for.  It was the opposite, in fact.  I was upset because when he turned three, I was hesitant to move him up to the preschool room- I wanted to keep him in the toddler room a little longer but they assured me if it wasn't a good fit, they'd let me know.  Zachary was giving an exam tonight so I called someone else I know I can lean on, my brother.  I started talking to him about all the people I'd called and emailed and talked to and just how frustrated I was and he let me talk and listened earnestly and it was just what I needed.  And then after I talked it all out and calmed down, he asked if I'd like him to drive up to Maryland and pick me and the kids up and bring us back down to North Carolina so that we could be with him on his birthday.  He thought it'd be good for me to get away and have other people around - Zachary's pretty busy with the end of the semester.  So when Zachary got home, I asked him what he thought and I think he was foreseeing uninterrupted football games and sleep and encouraged me to go.  So we'll be leaving tomorrow afternoon- now that the school system is going on winter break soon, there won't be anything I can get done anyway.  But when I do get back and school is back in session, we will hit the ground running and get some help for my little man.